


Miles from Aberdeen

by dbskyler



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Episode Tag, Episode: s02e03 School Reunion, F/M, Friendship, Missing Scene, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 06:48:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15552030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dbskyler/pseuds/dbskyler
Summary: Getting left in Aberdeen requires Sarah to make more than one type of journey.





	1. Not to Her; to You

Sarah noticed that the Doctor and Rose were exiting the cafe, so leaving Mickey to close up her car, she walked over.  The two of them were deep in conversation, and as she got closer it was easy for Sarah to tell that there was a certain amount of tension in the air.  Sarah wavered for a moment, wondering if she should leave them space to talk in private, but in the end her journalist's curiosity won out and she moved nearer.  She wasn't eavesdropping, exactly; she was simply joining them.  It was their own fault if they were too wrapped up in their conversation to notice.

The words Rose was speaking finally became audible.  " . . . this, now this is really seeing the future. You just leave us behind. Is that what you're gonna do to me?"

"No.  Not to you."

It was like a stab to the heart.

The Doctor meant it; he very clearly meant it.  Sarah vaguely registered that Rose was speaking again, but she no longer had any desire to overhear.  Turning away, she stepped back into the shadows.  She found a tree and leaned against it, trying to slow her panting breath and racing heartbeat.  There were too many emotions running through her to catalog them all.  But she decided to try anyway, as a method of getting herself back under control.

Anger, yes, that was one.  Anger that he had left her and not come back.  Anger that he had dismissed her so easily, but promised better to Rose. 

Jealousy.  Yes, that was there.  Rose obviously meant more to him than she ever had.

Embarrassment.  What must she have seemed like to him tonight?  A sad old woman who for some reason had maintained feelings for him which he had never returned.  An object of pity and, knowing the Doctor, slight distaste.

Sorrow.  Sudden, upwelling grief for a relationship she had once considered special, the memory of which had used to be a source of comfort but which had now been shown to be founded on a delusion.  She had thought she was important to him.  That he wouldn't have left her if he'd had any other choice.  That he would have come back for her if he had been able to do so.  

She had been wrong. 

She'd never liked being wrong.

She had an urge to leave ( _right now_ ).  To not even say goodbye ( _like the Doctor)_ ;  to run to her car and drive home.  There was no need for her here.  The Doctor would deal with the Krillitanes, and he had Rose and Mickey to help him.  She could find out later what had happened from her newspaper sources, and if some of the more extraterrestrial details remained unknown, she could live with that.  

She looked over towards where her car was parked.  Mickey had left K-9 uncovered and she could see the reassuring outline of her dog through the back window.  At least K-9 was working again, she thought.  The one good thing to come out of her brief reunion with the Doctor, a souvenir . . .

_[. . . don't forget me . . .]_

There was a shrieking cry. Sarah looked up to see a bat-creature swooping down, talons outstretched and mouth gaping. She didn't even think; she just ran.  

To the Doctor.  

To protect him. 

In whatever way she could. 

It was automatic; instinctual.  She got to the Doctor and Rose on the heels of Mickey, then all four of them ducked  as the creature made a low pass and wheeled off, screaming into the night.  She stared after it, watching it leave.  "Was that a Krillitane?"

"It didn't even touch you, it just flew off.  What'd it do that for?" asked Rose.

The Doctor simply stood there, looking up into the sky.  His expression was stern and enigmatic, and despite his deceptively young-looking form he radiated a bearing that was every inch the Time Lord.   But Sarah knew that underneath the exterior shell he was vulnerable and, worse still, fallible. 

_["When did I ever guess wrong about anything?" he had asked.  Then he had run off into deadly danger, alone, leaving her behind.  "Lots of times," she had whispered as she watched him go.]_

She took a deep breath, steeling herself to the inevitable.  It didn't matter how the Doctor treated her, or how she felt about it.  There was danger here, and if she left now and something happened to him, she would never forgive herself.  She had to stay and see the adventure through.

She still worried about him.

 

\--------

_tbc . . ._

  
  
  


* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
This story archived at <http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=19656>


	2. The Past: First Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hate to do this, but this story is not AU and this is what happened in canon. Or rather, what didn’t happen.

Sarah whistled to herself as she walked towards the center of town and searched for clues as to where the Doctor had dropped her off.  It definitely wasn't Hillview Road in South Croydon as he'd claimed.   It wasn't even South Croydon.   Or any other part of Croydon for that matter.

When she found out for certain where she was, she sat down on a bench and laughed.  Aberdeen.  _Aberdeen!_  

Oh, how she would tease the Doctor about this when she next saw him.

Fortunately she found some money in a pocket of her overalls, and after sorting out the Altairian dollars from the British pounds and shaking loose a few stray Flainian Pobble Beads, she gathered together the right number and type of notes to pay for a train ticket to London.  From there she knew she could easily get someone to give her a ride home.  Harry Sullivan should be around, she thought.  At least, she hoped so, since he had promised to keep an eye on her flat for her until she returned. 

While she waited for the train to arrive she picked up a newspaper and noted that it was the correct year -- at least the Doctor had gotten that right -- and that it was October.  She'd left checks with her landlord to take care of the rent (a journalist could never count on being around at the first of the month, and this wasn't the first time she'd been away for an extended period of time), but she couldn't remember when she'd last paid her utility bills.   She wondered if she would have any hot water when she got home.  She desperately wanted a bath.

_[And my hair washed, and to feel human again . . .]_

She shook herself and clutched the stuffed owl toy she was holding a little closer to her chest, then rearranged the rest of her things around her feet.   She wondered if she'd remembered to take everything.  She had gathered her stuff together so quickly, she wouldn't be at all surprised if she'd left something behind in the TARDIS.  Especially considering she hadn't expected to actually be leaving.

She noticed some people staring at her and she stared defiantly back until they looked away again.  Slowly it dawned on her how odd she must look in her garishly pink-striped overalls.   She'd been wearing this outfit for over a day, but despite the fact that she'd been on Earth for most of that time she hadn't given it a thought before. Nor could she recall any of the people she'd met sparing her or her clothes so much as a second glance.  But then she had been with the Doctor, and being with him tended to overwhelm any mere human attempts at oddity.

He was on his way home too, she realized.  To Gallifrey.  He had said he had gotten "the call," whatever that meant.  He had said that as a Time Lord he had to obey.  She hadn't realized there was anything in the universe that he had to obey. 

She wondered if he was happy to be going home.  She knew it had been a very long time for him.  Maybe he'd lied when he'd said that he had to go alone; maybe he just didn't want her along.   No, he would have taken her with him if he could.  He knew how disappointed she was to be missing out on Gallifrey. 

She wondered what Gallifrey was like.  She had met two other Time Lords in her travels with the Doctor, one as a friend and one as an enemy, yet she knew almost nothing about Time Lord society.  She tried to imagine a planet full of people like the Doctor, but it defeated her.

Some new people entered the station and stared at her, but this time she ignored them.  It was their problem if they didn't like what she wore. 

It was a little cold in the station.  She remembered the feel of the Doctor's coat around her when he had given it to her to wear on Kastria.  She wished she had it here to cover her now.  It had been warm and soft.  Plus it had smelled like him. 

The train arrived on time and she boarded it.  It made a noise as it pulled out of the station, but it was the wrong noise.  It went exactly where it was supposed to go.  And the inside was the same size as the outside.

* * *

She arrived in London and called Harry.  He was glad to hear from her, and glad to see her.  He drove her home.  He asked about the Doctor.  He assumed she had chosen to leave him.  (He had chosen to leave him, after all.)  She answered all his questions.   And then she began to cry.

He didn't know what to do, but he stayed with her until she stopped.  Good old Harry.  She told him she was okay. 

 * * *

Her electricity was still working.    She got to have her bath.  She could have as many baths as she liked now. 

* * *

She got up, went to work, came home and went to bed.  She watched television.  She did laundry.   She didn't get hypnotized or have to escape from anywhere.  She never had to run for her life.

* * *

She bought jelly babies at the corner store, but they didn't taste right.

* * *

She went about her life, but always she listened for a certain sound and looked out for a shape of a certain color.  She noticed things that were strange and gained a reputation for strangeness herself. 

* * *

She liked to wear scarves.  She tried to learn the yo-yo, but wasn't any good at it.

* * *

The Brigadier retired from UNIT and went to go teach at a school.  Sergeant Benton left to go sell cars, of all things.  Harry got re-posted to NATO.  She didn't know the new people at UNIT and they were suspicious of journalists.  It didn't matter.   It wasn't UNIT that she missed.

* * *

She waited for him.

* * *

He would come back for her.   He would have taken her with him if he could.  He was busy.   He really had had no choice but to leave her behind.  He was easily distracted.  He got caught up in things.  He would come back for her.   For a Time Lord he kept terrible track of time. 

* * *

He cared about her.  He must miss her, as much as she missed him.  He would come back for her.

* * *

He would definitely come back for her.  It was the last thing he had said as she left the TARDIS: "'Til we meet again, Sarah."  It was like a promise.

* * *

And the Doctor always kept his promises.

* * *

Well, almost always.

 

\--------

_tbc . . ._


	3. Auld Lang Syne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to "School Reunion," where Sarah tells the Doctor a few things that have been on her mind. (And yes, Tennant, the chapter title is for you.)

Sarah looked up again into the sky, staring in the direction the Krillitane had gone.  There was nothing there, but the Doctor continued to stand motionless, and his eyes remained fixed on that blank patch of sky as if he were tracking something that the rest of them were unable to see. 

Mickey was watching the Doctor with an expression of awe on his face, clearly impressed by this evidence of superior abilities.   Sarah couldn't help smiling to herself.  Though it was perfectly possible that the Doctor was indeed seeing something that they couldn't, it was far more likely that he wasn't seeing anything at all, but was just staring vacantly into the sky while he thought the situation through.  She glanced at Rose, and instantly she knew that the girl suspected the same thing.  Their eyes met, and for a moment they shared a flash of mutual knowledge and understanding.  Then Rose slid her eyes away again.

"Right!" said the Doctor suddenly, clapping his hands together.  "No good standing around here.  Nothing else happening tonight, and a big day ahead for us tomorrow.  We should rest, and we should stay together.  Let's go find a place to spend the night."

"You don't really mean that all four of us have to stay together tonight, do you?" asked Rose.  She fumbled a little as the Doctor turned his gaze on her.  "I mean, we can't go back to the TARDIS, not now, not with those bat-things around.  And it's gonna be hard enough finding a place for just you and me and Mickey without adding in Sarah Jane as well."

"We should stay together," repeated the Doctor.  And Sarah knew from his tone that there would be no further use in arguing with him about that.  Rose apparently knew it too, because she sighed and slumped her shoulders a little.

There was a pause, then Sarah spoke up.  "We could all stay at my hotel," she offered.  "I have a big en suite room, and I'm sure they'd be willing to bring in extra cots."

"Oh, right, yeah.  An 'en suite,'" Rose muttered.  "Couldn't just be a regular room, could it?" 

Sarah tried to act as if she hadn't heard while the Doctor just looked uncomfortable.  Then Mickey said with deliberate cheerfulness, "That sounds good to me.  An en suite room in a proper hotel.  Very posh."

Sarah decided that she liked Mickey. "I'm not sure how posh it will be with cots, but I'll do my best."

"Let's go, then," said the Doctor.  He strode quickly forward, obviously hoping to leave all further awkward conversation behind.  Rose hurried to fall in step beside him and reached out her hand.  After a moment, he took it.  Mickey moved to Rose's other side, scurrying a little to keep up.

Suppressing a small pang of sadness, Sarah followed behind.

* * *

"So how did you meet the Doctor?" asked Mickey.  The two of them were setting up the beds while Rose used the bathroom to change.  The Doctor himself had lasted five minutes in the room before leaving to wander off somewhere, all his talk about staying together apparently forgotten.  Somehow Sarah hadn't been at all surprised.

"Have you ever heard of UNIT?" she asked.  When Mickey nodded, she said, "The Doctor used to work for them as their scientific advisor.  I was investigating a story on kidnapped scientists, and the Doctor was investigating it too.   Believe it or not, I originally thought that he was the one behind the whole thing."

Mickey laughed.  "Really?  What did you do?"

"I snuck into the TARDIS and ended up in the Middle Ages.  Met a Sontaran who had been stranded there and was snatching the scientists back through time.  The Doctor got it all sorted out in the end."

"A Sontaran?" asked Mickey.  "What's that?"

"Sontarans are warriors who are in a constant battle with the Rutans.  Very single-minded and bureaucratic.  They have big heads, three fingers on their hands, and their ships look like silver spheres."

Mickey nodded in a way that he probably hoped made him look knowledgeable.  "So they're aliens, then?"

Sarah smiled. "Yes, they're aliens."  She got up and went to the window, looking out to the night sky.  "Keep hanging around the Doctor, and you'll meet a lot of aliens.  He opens a window into everything that's out there in the universe."   She stared at the stars, closed off to her now, then with a resigned sigh she shifted her gaze to the mundane view of the street.  Speaking of aliens, there was the Doctor, moving in and around her car, fiddling with cables and K-9.   What was he up to?  "Excuse me," she said to Mickey, then she headed purposefully out the door.

* * *   

Whatever it was he was doing, he was absorbed in it, moving quickly back and forth from the bonnet of her car to the boot, attaching cables between K-9 and her car's engine and making adjustments to both with little whirrs of the sonic screwdriver.  She stood there for a moment, her hands on her hips, then decided she had seen quite enough. "Would you like to tell me just what you're doing with my car, my dog and my jump leads?" she demanded.

He startled, and almost hit his head on the top of the bonnet.  "Oh.  Hello, Sarah Jane."  He took a step back, thrusting his hands into his pockets while carefully avoiding her gaze.  "Just trying to get a good charge into K-9.  His batteries still aren't working properly, I expect because he's been out of commission for so long.  Probably take a few days before his charging cycle is back up to standard."  He returned to hooking up the cables, once more busily occupied.  Belatedly he asked,  "You don't mind if I use your car as an energy source, do you?"

"Oh no, not since you have the courtesy to ask me before you mess around with my possessions . . . "  She trailed off, because he wasn't listening.  It was as if she weren't there.

Suddenly, her anger boiled.  She marched over, pulled the cables out of his hands and flung them to the ground.  His eyes widened and he took a half-step back, but at least she had his attention.  Finally.

"You think you can just do this?" she challenged.  "You think you can appear and take over my life, help yourself to whatever you like and then disappear again without so much as a by-your-leave?  Is that what you really think?"

He dropped his eyes, still not looking at her.  "You're mad at me," he said.

"Yes, I'm mad at you!"  She was furious, no longer even trying to hold the anger in.  "You dump me in Aberdeen and you don't come back! I think that something's happened, that maybe you're dead, because no, you wouldn't do that to me, you wouldn't just abandon me . . . and then it turns out that you would and you did, and you have no explanation, no excuse!"

"Sarah . . ." he began, his voice pained.  

"Don't interrupt me!"

His mouth closed again and he took another half-step back.

"I can understand if you decided that you didn't want to travel with me anymore," she went on.  "People change, they move on, they regenerate -- it happens.  But couldn't you have bothered to drop by to tell me instead of letting me wait in vain?  Don't you think I was owed at least that?!"  She was yelling now, and it felt good, so good to let it out.  "And don't you dare tell me you couldn't find the time, Doctor!  You're a Time Lord, I know you could have managed!  I think I have a right to be mad!"

She stopped, panting for breath, and waited for his reaction. 

He just stood there, his eyes on the ground, and when he finally spoke, his voice was very small.  "Yes, I suppose you do have a right to be mad."  Still not looking at her, he added, "If you don't want to stay, I understand."

She stared at him, and then the sorrow abruptly welled up again despite her best efforts to suppress it.  Did that mean he wanted her to go?  That he'd rather she weren't here?  She struggled to hold on to her anger, as at least that was an emotion with which she could deal.  "Whatever happened to 'we should stay together'?  Isn't it dangerous out there? Aren't the Krillitanes looking for us tonight?"

"Oh, they know where we are."  He said it so matter-of-factly, she couldn't help a nervous glance upwards. He cocked his head at her, a small smile on his face. "But then we know where they are, so it's only fair. Don't worry, they won't try anything tonight." 

She didn't understand.  "Then why did you tell Rose that we had to stay together?"

"Because if I hadn't, we would have separated.  And I needed to know where you were."  And finally he looked at her, looked straight at her, meeting her gaze.  "I just . . . needed to know." 

She looked back at him, taking in that simple declaration. 

All of a sudden, he went back to the cables, working even more frenetically than before.  This time she just watched him in silence.   He banged and he whirred and he shuttled back and forth, until with a final flourish he finished the connections and pointed the sonic screwdriver at her engine. 

Nothing happened. 

He frowned, then tried again. 

"Something wrong, Doctor?"

He twisted some settings and tried a third time with no better results than before.  He stood over the engine and stared at it, one hand behind his head.

"Would you like to try using these?" asked Sarah, holding up her car keys.

"Regular combustion engine . . . no hyperbalic relays, no sign of a helmic interference coil . . . I can't understand why it won't start.  Perhaps a remote induction circuit restricting the neutron flow?"  he muttered.    He twisted the sonic screwdriver again and began scanning the surrounding area.

Sarah opened the car door, got into the driver's seat, shifted the gear, then turned the keys in the ignition.  The engine roared into life.   She got out and leaned against the car, smiling in satisfied triumph.

The Doctor stared at the running engine, then turned to her, amazed.  "How did you do that?"

"The car won't start if the gear shift is in reverse.  It's a safety feature."  Her smile turned mischievous.  "Perhaps I should stay on as your scientific advisor?"

And then damn him, he gave her that look, that _look,_ the one he always used to give her when she'd successfully teased him.  The eyes were different, and the face was different, but the expression was exactly the same.   And then he started to laugh, and damn him, _damn him,_ but she'd never been able to resist his laugh, not ever, and she couldn't resist it now.   She found herself laughing, and they were laughing together, and then the rest of her anger was gone.

He knew it, and he looked at her, a grin lighting up his face.  "Sarah Jane Smith," he said.  "My Sarah."  Suddenly he grabbed her and swung her in a half-circle, still laughing in delight.  "Oh, you have no idea how much I've missed you."

"Then that's your own fault, you know." But although her tone was still tinged with regret, she found she was no longer bitter.

"I know," he acknowledged.  He drew her to him in a hug.  "Do you forgive me?" he asked lightly.  But she sensed more emotion behind the question than his outward attitude suggested. 

"I'll think about it," she replied. 

He hugged her a little more tightly.

"Though I still think you owe me a trip to Gallifrey," she added.

He broke the embrace with such suddenness, she knew something was terribly wrong.   For an instant she looked up to the sky, expecting to see a horde of Krillitanes descending on them after all. 

But the sky was empty, and the night was quiet.  Then she saw the look on his face, and she knew.

She knew.

_["I lived," he had said.  "Everyone else died."]_

And then he said it: "Gallifrey is gone."

 

\--------

_tbc . . ._


	4. Not Quite Where You Left Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor tells Sarah about the Time War.

It was too big, too shattering for her to take in. Gallifrey, gone. A whole planet destroyed. And not just any planet; the Doctor's planet, the place of his birth, where he was from. She couldn't even imagine how he must feel. Because even though he'd been a renegade, an outcast from Time Lord society, she knew that for the Doctor, Gallifrey had always been home.

_["I thought I recognized the stars," he had said, staring into the sky of Karn. "I was born in these parts. Within a couple of billion miles."]_

Had this been what happened to him right after he left her? Had the call to Gallifrey been the call back to a dying world? If so, it helped to explain why he hadn't returned for her. Suddenly all her feelings of hurt and betrayal seemed trivial and petty. Hesitantly she wrapped her arms around him and sensed his tenseness, the barely-held-in emotion. "I'm sorry," she said. "I am so, so sorry."

Slowly she felt his tenseness ease. His head dropped to her shoulder and he returned her embrace, tightening his hold until he was practically clinging to her. She hugged him back, trying to reassure him that no matter what, she was still here for him.

When she felt he was ready, she asked softly, "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

He gave a small laugh. "Not particularly."

"Okay." She fell silent again, still hugging him close.

After a moment, he raised his head off her shoulder and looked at her. "'Okay?'" he said. "You're really just going to leave it there? You're not going to ask me more questions?"

"If that's what you want," she replied. Then she smiled a little and added, "Of course, I'm not saying that the curiosity won't kill me eventually."

He laughed again, a little longer this time. "Well, we can't have that." He gazed at her, and his eyes were bright in the moonlight. Then he straightened up, pulling out of her arms completely. He nodded towards her car and its still-running engine. "K-9 should be as charged up as he's going to get for now. Go turn off your car, then let's find a place to talk."

* * *

They found a park, lush and green and full of beautiful hedges and trees. Sarah sat down on a bench but the Doctor remained standing, his hands in his pockets and his gaze on the ground. She could tell just by looking at him that the tenseness was back.

She waited for him to speak, but he simply stood there in silence, and his thoughts seemed far away. Eventually she said gently, "It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But I hope you know . . ." she stopped as the Doctor looked up at her. Swallowing a little, she began again. "I just hope you know that . . . I care about you. And I think it would be good for you to talk. If . . . if you trust me enough to listen."

"Oh, Sarah," he said, "I've always trusted in you." He gave her a brief smile that was followed by a sigh, then he sat down on the bench beside her, leaning back to look up at the stars. "There was a Time War," he said quietly. "A war across time and space. And out of all the people in the universe -- the people that are left, anyway -- you're the one who most deserves to hear what happened. You and Harry, that is. Because you were there, Sarah. You were with me when it all started."

"I was?" asked Sarah. "We were?" Quickly she thought back over her adventures with the Doctor. He'd said Harry was along, so that narrowed it down. The Wirrn? No. The Zygons? Definitely not. The Cybermen? Possibly, but she wouldn't say anything had _started_ on that trip . . . then she caught herself with a gasp.

"The Daleks," she said. "The Time Lords had a war with the Daleks?"

He gave her a look of surprise which melted into one of pride. Sarah wasn't sure if she should be flattered or insulted. Surely he didn't think it had been _that_ hard to figure out.

Or maybe he just didn't realize how well she remembered every trip they'd ever been on.

The Doctor looked up at the stars again. "Yes. The Time Lords had a war with the Daleks."

"And the Daleks destroyed Gallifrey?" she asked.

The Doctor flinched, but didn't say anything. He just continued to look up into the sky. It seemed to Sarah that his eyes were focused on a very particular spot, and perhaps they had been this entire time. She wondered what he was seeing. And she wondered whether there was something special that he wasn't seeing, that used to be there.

After a minute, she asked as gently as she could, "After they had to leave Gallifrey, where did the Time Lords go?"

"Nowhere," the Doctor replied, still gazing upwards. "They're all gone. All except for me. I'm the only Time Lord left."

He said it so calmly, Sarah thought at first that she must have misheard. When it did sink in, her next reaction was that it made no sense. "But . . . but wait. Even if no one on Gallifrey escaped, I know you're not the only Time Lord who was living somewhere else. K'anpo Rinpoche was right here on Earth, and surely there were others too, Time Lords out there who survived . . . " Her voice trailed off as he stayed silent, then the full impact of it hit her. As impossible as it seemed, he wouldn't have said it if it weren't true. "Oh, Doctor," she whispered softly. There didn't seem to be anything else to say.

There was a long silence. Sarah wrapped her arms around herself, just trying to take it all in.

Finally, the Doctor gave a heavy sigh and spoke. "I was so young when we met, Sarah. Not even three quarters of a millennium yet, and all right, yes, I knew middle age was right around the corner, but still . . . I _felt_ so young! It was all fun and adventure, gallivanting around and sticking my nose into everybody's business and never any consequences to face, never anything going seriously wrong. Never anything that I couldn't find a way to fix. And then we were sent to Skaro, you and I and Harry, and I was so superior! The Time Lords wanted me to prevent the Daleks from being created, and what did I do? I _moralized!_ I stood there with those wires in my hands, able to prevent every atrocity the Daleks ever committed before they even got properly going, and I questioned whether I had the right!"

Sarah remembered. "You were worried that if you committed genocide, it would mean you were no better than the Daleks."

"And you told me I should do it, that the Daleks were evil and I should destroy them in the same way I would destroy a disease or bacteria." He paused. "It turns out you were the one who was right."

He sounded so sad, Sarah wished there was something she could do or say that would make it all better. But maybe it was helping him just to talk about it. She knew there couldn't be many people he would tell this to, and only she and Harry knew enough of what had happened to be able to argue back.

"You said," she began hesitantly, "that even though we failed in our mission -- we, Doctor, not just you -- that there was still good that would come about from the Daleks surviving. You said there were many worlds that became allies due to their common fear of the Daleks. Who's to say things wouldn't have been even worse if we had succeeded?" Then she bit her lip as she realized that that couldn't be true for Gallifrey, or for the Time Lords. Hurriedly she went on, trying to cover up that thought. "And besides, Doctor, those incubating Daleks did get blown up eventually, remember? And it obviously didn't stop them. So even if you had gone through with it, how do you know it would have made a difference?"

"That's the irony, Sarah Jane." The Doctor was still looking up at the sky. "I don't know; I'll never know. By the time the incubation room exploded, the Daleks were in control, and there were enough of them to keep going. If I had blown it up earlier, before they took over, things might have turned out quite differently."

"But you don't know that for sure."

"No. All I know is I had an opportunity that I didn't take. Because I refused to commit genocide." He gave a bitter laugh. "The innocence of youth. I thought I was incapable of genocide. I've learned better now."

"You . . . you've committed genocide?" The Doctor nodded and closed his eyes. She grabbed his hand and held it. "Doctor, if you destroyed the Daleks, it's because you had to. You can't blame yourself for that."

"Not just the Daleks, Sarah," he said softly, his eyes still closed. "The Time Lords, too. It was me. I killed them all."

Sarah stared at him in shock. It was horrible; almost too horrible to think about. In all her years as a journalist, of covering wars and rapes and tragedies of every description, it was the most horrible thing she had ever heard.

Suddenly she took the hand she still held in her own and gave it a fervent kiss on the palm. The Doctor's eyes snapped open and he looked at her in surprise.

"I tell you I'm a mass murderer, and that's what you do? You kiss my palm?"

"Yes. Because I know you, Doctor. I know you tried everything you could to save them." Still holding onto him, she reached out her other hand to gently brush the hair back from his too-young face. "And I can't tell you how sorry I am that you didn't succeed."

He stared at her as if she were some new type of alien he'd never seen before and wasn't quite sure was real. Then abruptly he grabbed the hand still stroking his face, turning it to kiss her palm back. "It was the only way to end it," he murmured into her hand. "I had no choice."

"I know," she said. Then she leaned forward to embrace him, and this time he fell into her arms. She held him and rocked him, back and forth, while he clutched her tightly in return.

"I had no choice," he repeated.

"I know," she whispered back. "I know."

* * *

The Doctor was quiet on the walk back to the hotel and Sarah herself was lost in thought. She looked at the Time Lord beside her and wished she could travel in time in a different way, turn back thirty years and become once again her younger self with an older (younger) Doctor at her side -- all teeth and curls and long fuzzy scarf, ready to take on the universe with nothing but a grin and a bag of jelly babies, herself an eager accomplice. But that Doctor was gone, and so was the girl who had traveled with him.

She had been more carefree back then and, she had to confess, more energetic. She had used to be able to spend a whole night running, getting captured, escaping, then running some more for good measure, and still she would have plenty left over to do it again the next morning. Tonight she hadn't done nearly as much, but she was feeling tired. She hated to admit it, but she was getting old.

The Doctor was different, too. And it wasn't just the familiar change of regeneration. There was an edge to him now, a darker side that he hadn't used to have. Not that it was surprising, considering everything he had told her. He might be as active as ever -- perhaps even more so, from what she had seen -- but in a lot of ways, he had lost his youth as much as she had lost hers.

She looked at him again and decided that it might be time to ask the question that had been most on her mind. "Doctor, when did it all happen? The call to Gallifrey that made you drop me off . . . was that because of the Time War?"

"Hmmm?" asked the Doctor. "Oh, that? No, no, that was something quite different. The Time War didn't happen until later." He smiled ruefully at her. "I can guess what you were thinking, but no. I can't use that as an excuse."

She felt a shot of disappointment. "Then will you answer me something else?"

He stopped and turned to face her. "What?"

"If I hadn't found the TARDIS, were you going to tell me it was you?"

He smiled in that disarming way that he used to have, and would probably always have no matter how many regenerations he went through. "Now what were the odds that you weren't going to find the TARDIS?" he asked.

"Pretty high, I would think, considering I was just looking for a place to hide. It was chance that I opened that particular door."

He shook his head. "That wasn't chance. That was the TARDIS calling you. She knew you were there, and she wanted to see you again. On a subconscious level, you responded."

"Right," said Sarah. She wasn't sure if she should believe him or not, but decided not to argue the point. "Then call it a hypothetical question. Were you going to tell me?"

"I never answer hypothetical questions. There are far too many non-hypothetical questions to worry about." She opened her mouth to argue, but he quickly cut her off. "Anyway, I wouldn't have needed to tell you. Even without the TARDIS, we were bound to run into each other tonight." He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "And once you found me, you know you would have figured it out. Who else would be skulking in the halls after aliens? Besides you, of course." He grinned.

Sarah couldn't help smiling back. "There's UNIT, don't forget."

"Nah, UNIT wouldn't skulk. Direct confrontation and a lot of shooting is their style."

"True." Sarah decided to ask something else, something she had wondered about for a long time. "Why did you give me K-9?"

He looked at her in surprise. "That's a rather odd thing to ask. What do you mean, why? He was a gift. I thought you might like him. Why does anyone give someone a gift?"

"Lots of reasons, Doctor, and stop dodging the issue. Why did you dump me and not come back, then years later send me a robot dog?"

He pursed his lips and blew them out, then shoved his hands deeply into his pockets. "Has anyone ever told you that you ask a lot of questions?"

"Yes, Doctor, you did, the day we first met."

"I did, didn't I?" He smiled. "And I suggested you could make the coffee, and you nearly bit my head off." His smile grew even wider.

"Are you going to answer my question?"

"What question was that?" All innocence.

"Why did you give me K-9?"

"I'm pretty sure I already answered that."

"And I'm pretty sure you didn't."

"Good for you, Sarah. You should never be too sure about anything. Especially when it comes to answering questions." He grinned again.

She groaned in frustration. "Has anyone ever told _you_ that you're the most exasperating person in the entire universe?"

"Let me see." He pretended to think for a moment. "Nope, can't say that anyone ever has. Which is really quite a surprise, considering."

Sarah laughed and gave up. She knew when she was beaten. And maybe it was better if she didn't ask more questions, anyway. She might not like the answers. Especially when it came to the questions she most wanted to ask: Why he had left her. Why he'd never even mentioned her to Rose. And why he had promised that he wouldn't do to Rose what he had done to her.

No, that last question was something that no one in the universe could answer.

She was very tired now. Against her will, she yawned.

"That's it," said the Doctor. "Time for you to get some rest. Rose and Mickey are probably fast asleep by now."

"Probably," Sarah admitted. "And I'm a lot older than they are." The Doctor opened his mouth to speak, but she gave him a warning look. "And don't _you_ dare say a word. You may look just a little over half my age, but don't forget that I know better. How old are you now, anyway? A thousand? Fifteen hundred?"

" _Nine_ hundred!" he exclaimed, sounding dismayed. "Fifteen hundred? I don't look fifteen hundred, do I?"

"No, you look thirty. On this planet, at least." Privately, the number worried her. That was only 150 years older than when she had known him, and six regenerations gone. "Nine hundred and what?" she asked.

"Just nine hundred."

"Nine hundred, exactly? That's an awfully round number, Doctor."

"What's wrong with round numbers? I like round numbers."

She crossed her arms and looked at him.

He leaned forward, a wicked grin on his face. "I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you mine if you'll tell me yours."

She shook her head and laughed. "You win."

They started walking again and she fought back another yawn. They had almost reached the hotel when the Doctor stopped.

"What is it?" she asked.

He took hold of her hands and stood there. Then deliberately he lifted them up and kissed first one palm, and then the other. "Thank you, Sarah Jane," he said.

She smiled. "That's what friends are for."

"Then I'm very glad you're still my friend." He took her in his arms and gave her a fierce hug. "What did I ever do to deserve a best friend like you?"

"Beats me," she teased. "I guess you just must be special."

"I guess so," he replied.

He held onto her hand the rest of the way back to the hotel.

 

\--------

_tbc . . ._


	5. The Past: Second Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who care about spoilers, this chapter has a spoiler for “Brain of Morbius,” a small reference to a Third Doctor story and major references to a Fifth Doctor story plus “K-9 and Company” (although seriously, is it even possible to spoil that?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose to fit this chapter in with the established dates in the more recent episodes, which I realize conflicts with “Pyramids of Mars” (look up “UNIT dating controversy” for more if you care). Finally, I'm ignoring "The Five Doctors" since it's clear from "School Reunion" that if it happened in canon, something or someone (the Time Lords, Rassilon, whatever) made Sarah forget it. I'm also ignoring "Dimensions in Time" since it's clear that all of us -- including the BBC -- would rather forget it.

"I think the Doctor is dead."

There, she'd said it.  Aloud. She stared into the bottom of her teacup and refused to meet Harry's eyes.    She didn't want to see the slightly patronizing look he was no doubt giving her right now.    It wasn't his fault, she reminded herself.  He was well meaning, but he didn't know the Doctor the way she did.  He thought of the Time Lord as someone who knew all the answers and was always able to win out in any situation.  He saw the Doctor as invincible.

Sarah knew he wasn't.

"Oh, come on now, Sarah," protested Harry. "Aren't you being a bit overly dramatic?    Just because the Doctor hasn't returned yet, that doesn't mean that he's dead.  He probably just got tired of Earth and decided to take a small break.  I'm sure he'll show up one day."

Sarah just shook her head.  "He should have been back by now, Harry.  Don't you see?  He should have been back!" 

Abruptly she got up and went to where she could see K-9 trundling about the back garden.  The sight was calming.  K-9 was one piece of the Doctor she still had.   She heard Harry coming up behind her, then felt him put an arm around her shoulders.  She stood unmoving, neither welcoming nor rejecting the gesture.

"I'm worried about you, old girl."  Sarah grimaced at the term, but Harry carried on, oblivious.  "It's as if your life's been on hold ever since he left you.   You can't just keep waiting for him, you know.  You deserve better than that."  His arm tightened around her, but when she didn't react he sighed and asked, "What makes you think he's dead?"

"It's been six years, Harry.  That's more than long enough for him to return if he could."  Six years of waiting, of hoping, of missing him terribly.  Six years of mundane and Earth-bound routine, of dealing with bills and car payments and people who knew nothing of aliens or other worlds but thought they knew everything important that there was to know; six years of never fitting in and never wanting to fit in, and worrying that when the Doctor finally returned, he would find her as mind-numbingly boring as she found everyone else. 

"I still think you're worrying over nothing," said Harry.

"I wasn't worried at first," Sarah conceded.  "A year is a long time for us, but not for him.  And then when he sent me K-9, I was reassured.  I thought he meant it as a sign that he was coming back soon.  But even that was over a year ago now.  Four years, if you count the time K-9 spent in a crate in an attic."

"So?" asked Harry.  "You know the Doctor.  He can't even get from Loch Ness to London without ending up 30,000 years off and on the other side of the galaxy.  Being a little late isn't a reason to think that he's dead."

Sarah wished she hadn't told him that story, especially if he was going to misrepresent it like that.  It wasn't relevant to point out that the Doctor hadn't gotten them to London on that trip; he hadn't _wanted_ to.  And neither had she wanted him to, for all that she had said that she did.  The Doctor had understood that, had understood her.  Why didn't Harry?

Sarah tried again.  "But if K-9 wasn't a sign that the Doctor was coming soon, which he obviously wasn't, then why did the Doctor send him to me?   And why did he send him in the way that he did?   Because I didn't get K-9 directly; his crate was found in the attic of the old house in Croydon one day.  It was three years before that crate caught up to me and I bothered to open it.    And I think the Doctor left him for me because he knew he wasn't coming back, and I think he did it that way because he didn't want me to know right away.  I think he was going into terrible danger, Harry.  Danger that he didn't expect to survive."

The thought brought on a deep pang of grief, and she bit her lip as she tried to fight the feeling down again. 

"But isn't the Doctor always going into danger?  You know he always gets out of it again."

"Not always," whispered Sarah, thinking back to Karn.  The Doctor had been defeated that time and very nearly died.  If it hadn't been for the Elixir of Life given to him by the Sisterhood, she would have lost him then.

She was grateful when Harry gave up and went quiet.  She didn't want to keep having to explain.  She had given Harry the arguments she could, but the biggest argument of all was a private one that she had no intention of sharing.  She looked at K-9 and remembered again the message which had accompanied him, the last message she would ever receive from the Doctor: 

"Give Sarah Jane Smith my fondest love; tell her I shall remember her always."

She reminded herself that he might not have meant it.   He might have been speaking purely as a friend.  Perhaps he would have said the same thing to the Brigadier.

But somehow she didn't think so.  

And that above all had finally convinced her that the Doctor was never coming back.

Harry still had his arm around her and she knew he remained skeptical.  It didn't matter.  She had voiced it now to the one person who had stood a chance of understanding -- even though he hadn't understood -- and that was what she had needed.  So she stood there and watched her dog, and thought about the Doctor. 

And grieved for him.

* * *

Sarah did her best to move on.   In some ways it was easier now that she was no longer looking over her shoulder for any hint of the TARDIS, but the knowledge that she would never see the Doctor again was a painful ache that ambushed her at least once a day.    She wondered how he had died and under what circumstances -- if he had been alone or if others had shared his fate; if it had hurt or been painless; if she could have done anything to save him had she been there.  She wondered where it had happened -- on Gallifrey, on Earth, on some planet or nameless rock in between, or in the depths of the vortex itself.  She wondered what had happened to his body, to the TARDIS, to his sonic screwdriver.  Had someone out there found the sonic screwdriver and appropriated it for their own, never knowing the part it had played in the history of a thousand worlds?

And occasionally when the grief grew too great, she reminded herself that she didn't know for certain that he was really dead.  Yet that would mean he had abandoned her, and that thought hurt as well.  And she really didn't think the Doctor would have done that to her.  Surely he had cared about her more than that. 

Sometimes when she lay awake at night, driven from her sleep by sorrow, she tossed the possibilities back and forth and tried to see which hurt more, the Doctor not returning because he was dead or because he had left her behind.   It was difficult to judge, as the hurts were different but equally deep.   Though if it were up to her, she knew which one she would wish for.

She was never so surprised in her life than the day when that wish came true.

"Say that again," said Sarah, her grip tightening on the phone.  It wasn't . . . she couldn't . . . had she misheard?

"He's alive," Harry repeated.   "The Brigadier's seen him.   I just got the notification from UNIT.   Strictly a courtesy, since the Doctor's left again already."

"Left where?  Where was he?  How was he?  What happened?"  Her thoughts were spinning, but the questions came out as if by their own volition.

"Steady on, old girl, I don't know any of that myself.  But I know how we can find out."  Sarah could hear the smile in his voice.  "How would you like to take a trip with me to a boys' school?"

* * *

The Brigadier greeted them warmly.   "Good to see you, Sullivan," he said.  "And you, Miss Smith.  Come in and have a seat.   Would you like some tea?"

Sarah looked around the small quarters with curiosity.  It had been years since she'd seen the Brigadier.  He didn't seem to have changed much.   His living space was disorganized, which surprised her, but it looked like an attempt was being made to put it back into order again.  She wondered if the disorganization had anything to do with the Doctor. 

"I think you know why we're here, sir," said Harry, sitting himself down.

"Hmm, yes," said the Brigadier, giving Sarah an appraising look.  "Should've known you'd be hot on his trail."   He went to the kitchen area to begin the water boiling.   Sarah fidgeted, randomly picking up objects from the table and putting them down again.  Harry pulled at her to get her to sit down, but she batted his arm away.

"First the Doctor, and now you two.   I'll have Benton showing up here next," called the Brigadier from the stove.  "Not that it isn't a pleasure to see you again."  He came back over to them carrying a tray with the tea and three cups and saucers.  Sarah finally allowed herself to be coaxed into a seat next to Harry.

"So," the Brigadier said while he poured the tea,  "What do you want to know?"

Sarah picked up a cup and took a quick sip to steady herself.  There were so many things she wanted to know.  But the first question came out with no thought.  "How is he?"

"He's regenerated again," said the Brigadier.  "Younger-looking, more slender.  Blond.  Wore the most ridiculous cricket outfit with a stick of celery pinned to his lapel.  Otherwise he's the same as ever."

She clutched her cup a little more tightly.  "Is he traveling alone?"  She didn't know which she hoped for -- that he had found someone new to look out for him, or that he hadn't.

"No, as a matter of fact, he's not.  He had two people with him -- a very opinionated Australian woman, and a quite plucky young girl from a planet called Traken. "

Sarah took another sip.  It was difficult to get a grip on her thoughts.  Randomly she wondered if the Brigadier had ever described her as "plucky" to anyone, sincerely hoping not.

"Furthermore," he continued, "one of our students has gone missing.  A boy named Turlough.  I strongly suspect he's joined the Doctor as well, and how I'm supposed to explain that to the Headmaster I have no idea.  It'll be worse than the time I had to explain to Geneva why UNIT HQ disappeared for an entire afternoon."

"I don't think I know about that one, sir," said Harry.

"Before your time, Sullivan, and be grateful.   There's always something to explain or clean up whenever the Doctor's been involved.  Still," he sighed, "it was good to see him again."

"So what happened?" asked Harry.  "Why did the Doctor show up here?"

The Brigadier launched into the story.  Sarah tried to pay attention, but she was still distracted, only occasionally hearing words such as "TARDIS" and "transmat" float across her awareness.    The Doctor was alive and well, she told herself, and apparently living the same life as ever.   That was a good thing.   It really was.

But he hadn't come back for her.   He'd left her.  He'd dumped her.  And she really didn't like how that made her feel.

She wouldn't allow herself to cry, not here, and especially not in front of the Brigadier.   She concentrated on the tea leaves in the bottom of her cup, wondering idly if they told any story of her future, or could give her any hint as to what in the world she was supposed to do with herself now.   If only she had her own TARDIS, she could skip ahead twenty-five years and take a peek, find out if she had found something meaningful to do with her life by then.  Except she might run into herself, and from the little she was taking in about what the Brigadier was saying, that would be a very bad thing.

The Brigadier's story drew to a close, then he and Harry moved on to small talk and reminiscences of the Doctor's time with UNIT.   Sarah joined in where she could, attempting to act normal and unaffected.   She thought she was carrying it off fairly well until the Brigadier looked at her, clearing his throat in a way that managed to sound both embarrassed and gruff at the same time.

"The Doctor mentioned you," he said.  

"Really?" asked Sarah.   She gave up all pretense of casualness.  "What did he say?"

"He asked if I ever saw anything of you."

She nodded.  "Did he say anything else?"

He shook his head, and she thought she saw sympathy in his eyes.  "No."

She nodded again, then looked away.

"And I'm sorry I haven't been good at keeping in touch, but I'll try to do a better job of it from now on." 

She looked up again and he gave her a smile, quirking his eyebrow in such a way that she couldn't help but to smile back.  He was a military relic from an earlier time, but she really was rather fond of the Brigadier.

They said their goodbyes, and Harry promised to look in the next time he was in the area.   They went back to the car and started the long drive back.

"So now that you know for sure he's alive, do you feel better?" asked Harry.

"Yes," said Sarah.  Although truthfully, she didn't know how she felt.

"Good," said Harry. Then rather awkwardly he added, "I'm sorry he didn't come back for you."

"That's all right," said Sarah automatically.   

"I know it's none of my business, and I never did figure out what was going on between the two of you . .  ."  He paused.

After a moment, Sarah admitted, "I don't think the Doctor or I did, either."  But it had been wonderful just the same.

Harry looked at her, then continued on in a hurried rush.  "I just want you to know, Sarah, that I think the Doctor . . . well, he's a cad.   He shouldn't have treated you that way.  And to give you up the way he did means he's a fool as well."

Sarah had to smile at that.   "He's not a fool.  Or even a cad.  But thank you anyway."

"I just meant . . ."

She interrupted him.  "I know what you meant.  And you're very sweet, and very chivalrous, and I hope we stay friends for a very long time."

She leaned over and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek.  Harry was a dear, but she knew she could never be with him. 

Maybe someday she would find someone else, someone who would make her feel like the Doctor had, even just a little bit.

But she doubted it.

* * *

The years went by and she went on with her life.   She continued to work as a journalist, and most days it was pretty fulfilling.  If sometimes she found herself wishing that the facts she uncovered in her investigations were slightly more extraterrestrial, or at least a little less boring, then that was the price for having had a taste of the universe once.  But she tried to make her life as interesting as she could.  She traveled a lot.  She stayed in touch with both Harry and the Brigadier to find out the latest from UNIT.   Sometimes she got hints of alien activities that way, which brought back fond memories.  Sometimes she even got hints of the Doctor. 

She dated, and even had a relationship or two, but it never went anywhere. She found that she didn’t really care. She had never considered it necessary to have a man in her life, and while she would have preferred to find love someday she was also perfectly capable of being on her own. She wasn’t going to settle for second best.

She deliberately refused to think about whether she'd ever found first best.

Her Aunt Lavinia had never had children and Sarah had no problem with remaining childless herself.  The truth was, her life didn't lend itself to children, and she'd never felt the ticking of the biological clock in the way that some of her friends had.   If children happened for her someday, that would be fine; and if they didn't, then that would be fine too.  When she turned forty-five she resigned herself to the fact that she would never be a mother.   Her Aunt Lavinia had taken on a ward eventually; perhaps she would one day too.

K-9 remained a comfort to her and she took him on investigations whenever she could. She didn't know why the Doctor had sent him to her, but she was glad that he had, partly because K-9 was such a daft little robot, and partly because he was the one thing still left in her life that wasn't completely terrestrial.  He reminded her of the Doctor.

She still thought about the Doctor frequently.  She wondered where he was and if he was all right.  She wondered why he hadn't come back for her and if he still cared about her.  She wondered if there had been a reason why he couldn't return for her.  She wondered what that reason could have been.

When K-9 broke down with no warning one day, she was devastated.  She couldn't fix him; she had no idea how he worked.  The Brigadier warned her not to take him to UNIT because the scientists there were more likely to dissect him for his technology than to repair him.   In the end she accepted that there was nothing she could do, but she continued to take him with her on investigations in the forlorn hope that someday he would start working again as suddenly as he had stopped.  

When she turned fifty she gave a lot of thought to her life and realized that it was okay. Not the best, but not the worst, either. And as for the Doctor, yes she still thought about him, but it no longer bothered her that she was never going to see him again. She was completely over him. 

Or so she told herself.

 

\--------

_tbc . . ._


	6. Didn't Mention You Once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Krillitanes are defeated, K-9's been blown up -- time for Sarah and Rose to have a heart-to-heart.

Sarah watched as the school burned.  The students were literally jumping for joy, Rose and Mickey looked ecstatic and everyone seemed to be celebrating  -- everyone except for herself and the Doctor.  Sarah couldn't blame the others for feeling happy, because it was definitely good that the Krillitanes had been defeated.  But their victory had come at a cost.  K-9 had been destroyed. 

The Doctor had his arm around her and she let herself lean into him, grateful for his comforting presence.  It wasn't fair that K-9 was gone.  How could she have finally gotten her dog back only to lose him again, this time for good?  Judging from the size of the explosion, there wouldn't even be a piece of him left to carry with her as a reminder.  Poor K-9.  He had been her companion, her confidante, her friend. He had been her link to the Doctor; even when he had stopped working, he had at least been that.  But now that link was severed, blown up.  And not even the Doctor himself beside her could make her feel better about that. 

Because K-9 was gone, and she knew the Doctor would soon be gone, too.

The Doctor consolingly rubbed her back, then hugged her more tightly to his chest.  At least for this small remaining space of time, he was here for her.  She had claimed that she was fine and that the loss of K-9 was no big deal, but he had known she was lying.  She should have realized she wouldn't be able to deceive him.  All this time — longer for him than for her -- and still he understood her better than anyone else ever had.   She leaned into him some more, then closed her eyes and breathed in his alien scent, hoping to memorize it this time, to be able to take that small bit of him away with her.  He smelled the same; the one constant that didn't change with regeneration.

She heard sirens and opened her eyes again, looking for the fire engines that must be about to arrive.  Probably the police were coming too, she thought.  Rose came hesitantly over, and Sarah realized that the younger woman had been purposely giving the two of them some space and was reluctant to disturb them even now.  Sarah withdrew from the Doctor's embrace and managed an appreciative smile.   "I think we're about to have company," she said.

"We'd better leave," agreed Rose, glancing in the direction of the school.  The front of the building was in flames, but fortunately the rear part of the structure appeared unscathed.    One of those rear rooms contained the TARDIS. 

"Yes," said the Doctor, "discretion is the better part of valor and all that, especially when it comes to departing from the scene of a fire."  His eyes met Sarah's, a smile on his face, and she remembered another fire and another hasty retreat.

_["Perhaps it is time we were leaving.  We don't want to be blamed for starting a fire, do we?  We had enough of that in 1666!"]_

Mickey came running up.  "The fire brigade's coming!" he said.

Rose gave him an amused look.  "Thanks for letting us know."  She and the Doctor both turned towards the school again, and Sarah felt a sudden tightness in her chest as she realized this was it.  The Doctor was leaving.  Right now.

Deliberately Sarah took a step back, distancing herself from where the others stood.  Then she gathered her courage and looked at the Doctor.  To her surprise, he seemed disturbed, as if something had just occurred to him which he didn't like and wasn't sure what to do about.

Rose glanced at her, then gave the Doctor a longer, thoughtful look.  She seemed to decide something, then she came to Sarah and took her by the hand.   "Doctor," she said, "why don't you go move the TARDIS while I stay with Sarah Jane?   I don't think she should be alone just now, do you?"

The Doctor regarded the two of them, then the disturbed look dropped away.  "No," he said.  "No, of course not."  He smiled.  "That's a brilliant idea."   He looked back towards the school and the firefighters who had now arrived.  It appeared that they planned to allow the fire to burn itself out by taking down the whole structure, including the part the TARDIS was in.   Sarah didn't think it was possible for the TARDIS to actually burn, at least not from an ordinary fire like this, but it would be best if the Doctor could move her before her incombustibility raised too many awkward questions.

The Doctor had already begun to run towards the school when Rose called out after him.  "Hey!"

"What?" he called back, turning around and running in place.

"Where you gonna move the TARDIS to?" she asked.

"Um," he said, his legs still moving, "good question.  Wait!  No . . . yes!  The park!  There's a park not too far from the hotel, Sarah will show you where it is.  I'll meet you there, okay?"

"Okay!" called Rose.  He started to turn to run off, but Rose called again.  "Hey!"

"What?" called the Doctor back, running in place again.

"Don't get lost on the way! No ending up in 19th century Scotland by mistake, all right?"

"All right!" called the Doctor back.

"Promise?" called Rose.

"Promise!" called the Doctor.

"And no alien planets!" called Sarah on sudden impulse.  "No landing on an alien planet and thinking it's the Earth when it's really not!"

"Oi!" called the Doctor back.  "That only happened once, and it wasn't my fault!"  He looked indignant, as if he couldn't believe she had brought that up, and Sarah smiled.

"And get the time right!" Rose called then.  "No thinking it's been twelve minutes when it's really been twelve hours, or twelve months!"

"Now that's unfair!" called the Doctor.  He was still running in place.  His face also appeared to be turning red, but not from the exertion.  "That only happened once also, and . . . okay, well, that _was_ my fault.  But still!"

He made as if to go again and Sarah couldn't resist.  "And no 1911!"  she called.  "No letting yourself get drawn off course to 1911 by anything exceptionally evil!" 

The Doctor just opened his mouth and closed it again as if he had no idea at all what to say to that.

"And no Cardiff!" called Rose in her turn.  "You hear me?  No mixing up 1869 Cardiff with 1860 Naples!  Or with the park!"

Sarah couldn't be sure from this distance, but the Doctor appeared to be actually sputtering in his inability to think of anything to say back.  "And no getting hijacked by the Mandragora Helix, either!" she added with mischievous glee.  "Renaissance Italy is right out!"

That was really quite an extraordinary expression on the Doctor's face, Sarah reflected.   Then without a word he turned and ran to the school, his coat billowing out behind him.  He flashed some sort of leather wallet at the nearest police officer, then with tremendous speed he disappeared around the back.

Sarah and Rose collapsed together in laughter. 

* * *

Sarah had thought that she would have to explain to the police how her car had ended up crashed into the school, but Mickey had offered to handle it all, insisting it was only right since he had been the one who had done the actual crashing.  So after imparting some advice on the type of explanations that were likely to go down well with the authorities ("gas leak" seemed a good candidate she thought, though she told Mickey he should feel free to use his imagination for embellishments), Sarah allowed Rose to pull her off in the direction of the nearest place to get some chips.  Which turned out, to her amusement, to be a pub.  Which, Sarah admitted, two pints later, had really not been a bad idea at all.

Rose told her how sorry she was about K-9 and actually seemed to be sincere, which Sarah greatly appreciated.  Then, rather inevitably, they began to swap stories of their travels with the Doctor.   The more Sarah heard, the more impressed she became with the young girl sitting across from her.  Despite her youth she was obviously capable and Sarah could tell what the Doctor saw in her.   Then Rose insisted on hearing about the Loch Ness Monster, so Sarah told her the whole tale, even including a colorful description of the clothes the Doctor had chosen when he'd found they had landed in Scotland.  Which led to a discussion of the Doctor's outfits in general -- Rose laughed when she heard about the very long scarf -- and then to a discussion about his changes in personal appearance.  Sarah found to her surprise that Rose knew all about regeneration.

"So there we were in the TARDIS," said Rose, "when he suddenly starts babbling about how he might be getting two heads, and then he staggers and yells at me to keep back, and tells me he's going to change.  And I'm just thinking to myself, 'What does he mean by change?' when wham!  Big light, and all of a sudden, he's totally different, you know?  Don't you think it would've been a good idea if he'd let me know beforehand that that kind of thing was even possible?  But no, apparently it never crossed his mind."

"Oh, I know," agreed Sarah sympathetically.  "He didn't warn me, either.   Although K'anpo Rinpoche did explain what was about to happen, so it wasn't as big of a surprise for me as it was for you."

"K'anpo Rinpoche?" asked Rose.  "Was that someone who traveled with the Doctor before you?"

"No," said Sarah, "he was an old friend of the Doctor's.  A Time Lord living on Earth.   In fact, without his help the Doctor might not have regenerated at all."  She looked into her glass, remembering how fearful she had been that the Doctor was going to die, then suddenly she noticed the expression on Rose's face.  "What?" she asked.

"You knew the Doctor when there were still other Time Lords around?" asked Rose.  "You knew him before the Time War!"

"Yes," admitted Sarah, "I did.  The first time I heard about the Time War was last night."  She wondered if she should tell Rose about the failed mission for the Time Lords which had been the start of that war, but decided it wasn't her place to talk about that.  "But you," she said, "you said you met the Dalek Emperor?   So you must have known the Doctor before the Time War, too."

"No," said Rose, "I didn't.  That bit with the Dalek Emperor, it was after the Time War ended.  Or maybe it _was_ the end of the Time War, I'm not sure.  It's kind of complicated.  You'd better ask the Doctor if you want to know more.  But no, the Time Lords were all gone by the time I'd met him."

Sarah nodded and had another swallow of her beer.  It was still hard for her to fathom what the Doctor must have gone through.  Rose took a chip and chewed thoughtfully, then said softly, "I envy you."

"What?" said Sarah, surprised.  "Why?"

"'Cause you knew him before he got so sad and lonely.  Back when he could be really and truly happy."

Sarah looked down at the table for a moment, then raised her head and met Rose's eyes.  "I think he's really and truly happy now, Rose.  With you."

Rose smiled, and her cheeks flushed slightly red.  "You think so?"

"Yes," said Sarah.  "I do.  And I'm not saying that the Time War didn't change him, because you're right, it did, but you're good for him, Rose.  I can tell.   You really do make him happy.  And . . . I'm glad that he has you to look after him."   Hurriedly she raised her glass and focused on drinking her beer.  She liked Rose, she really did.   If only she didn't feel this twisting in her gut when she thought about how much the Doctor liked Rose, too.   More than he had ever liked her.

_["You just leave us behind.  Is that what you're gonna do to me?"  "No.  Not to you."]_

Rose took her hand, squeezing it tightly until Sarah felt obliged to look up again.  There was a very disconcerting expression of understanding on the girl's face, and Sarah suddenly recalled the Krillitane oil in the chips that Rose had eaten.  She was obviously naturally perceptive; could the oil have boosted that perceptiveness even more?

Rose held her gaze, then said gently, "You're good for the Doctor too, you know.  I can tell how much he cares about you."

Sarah gave an embarrassed laugh and pulled her hand away.  "He cares about everyone he travels with," she said.  "And there isn't anything more than that between us anymore."  She looked down at the table and added softly,  "Maybe there never was."  

It hurt to admit it, but if he had felt something more for her, would he have left her the way that he did?  Wouldn't he at least have had a reason for why he didn't come back?  How many times over the years had she hoped there had been a reason?   That he would have come back if he could?

And if there really had been something more between them, surely he would have mentioned her to Rose.

Sarah took a chip and dipped it in a spot of spilled beer on the table, abstractly stirring until the chip began to dissolve into a soggy mess.  She sighed and put it on the side of her plate, then took a new chip and ate it.  

"You know," said Rose conversationally, "I found something in the TARDIS library once.  A box, just sitting there up on a shelf.   I took it down and opened it, and inside there was this white silk scarf.  Which I thought was kind of strange, you know?    I mean, you've seen the wardrobe room, you know that's where all the clothes usually go.   So I didn't know why this scarf had ended up in the library, but I liked it, so I decided to wear it.  Which I did for about twenty minutes, until the Doctor saw me with it and made me take it off again.  He didn't even say anything, just asked me to hand it over then disappeared with it down the corridor.  I went back to check later, and the box was gone.  I still don't know where he put it."  She paused.  "The scarf had a monogram on it -- 'SJS.' I realized last night that it was yours."

Sarah looked at her thoughtfully.  She honestly couldn't remember if she'd left behind a scarf like that, but it was certainly possible.  "He probably just took it back to the wardrobe room," she said.  "Although I don't know why he didn't want you to wear it.  That is strange, I agree."

"It's not strange at all," said Rose.  "And he didn't take it to the wardrobe room.  He put it somewhere safe.  I think it's the only thing he has that belonged to you.  That's why he didn't want me wearing it." 

Sarah shook her head.  "That doesn't make any sense.  Why would he care that it was mine?"

"Because he cares about you," said Rose.  "Because he loves you."

Sarah just stared at her then.  "He doesn't love me," she said flatly.

"He does," said Rose back.  She smiled and gave a little shrug.  "That's just the way it is."

"But I think he loves you!" Sarah burst out.

"I know," said Rose.  "I think so, too."

"But . . . " said Sarah.

"Two hearts," said Rose with a grin. 

There was a silence as Sarah tried to take that in.  "But he never even mentioned me to you," she protested.  "He didn't mention me once, you said so."

"And that's how I know it's true," said Rose.  "The Doctor talks about everything except the things that are most important to him."   She paused and her smile faltered.  "Like the Time War," she added sadly.  "There's so much I don't know about the Time War.  I know his home planet was destroyed, but he's never even told me its name."

"Gallifrey," supplied Sarah softly.  "The name of his planet was Gallifrey."

Rose looked up and their eyes met.  "Thank you," she said sincerely.

Sarah leaned back and took a deep breath.  "I still think you're wrong," she said.  "I know the Doctor's an alien, and he doesn't always do or feel things in the way that humans do, but I still think that even for Time Lords it's not a good sign when they dump you in Aberdeen."  

There was another silence, then Rose asked, "How long has it been since he did that?   For him, I mean.  Do you know?"

"I'm not sure," Sarah said.  "But at least 150 years."  She thought back to the previous night and the Doctor's evasive answers.  It would be just like him to round his age down, and for the Doctor that could well mean all the way down.   "It might be almost 250 years, actually."

"So if you'd stayed with him, you'd be dead of old age by now.  He would've lost you a very long time ago."

Sarah blinked, realizing that was true.  It was a thought that had never occurred to her.   She had always just taken the Doctor's long life for granted, but when she considered that she might not have ever lived to meet the version of him who had comforted her not long ago, or what that meant from his point of view . . .

Suddenly she remembered what Mr. Finch had said when he was trying to tempt the Doctor into joining with the Krillitanes.  "'Their lives are so fleeting,'" she quoted aloud.  "'So many goodbyes.'  Is that what it's like for him, Rose?   Do you think he leaves us behind because he's afraid to lose us?"

"I hope not," said Rose. "But there's something he told me last night.   He said humans wither and die, but he goes on, alone."  She stopped and looked down, closing her eyes.  "He called it the curse of the Time Lords."

"Oh, Doctor," whispered Sarah.   She thought about it, really tried to put herself in his place, and felt tears well up in her eyes.   She looked across the table and saw that tears were falling down Rose's face, too.   She got up and went around to Rose's side of the booth, then wrapped her arms around the young girl tightly and felt Rose's arms go around her in return. 

They stayed like that for some time, consoling each other for being human. 

* * *

While Rose spoke on her mobile, telling Mickey where they were, Sarah finished off the last of her pint and tried to put her thoughts together.   She still felt overwhelmed from learning that Rose believed the Doctor had feelings for her.  No, more than that -- Rose believed the Doctor loved her.   Could it be true?  Could it be that despite everything he'd done -- leaving her behind, not coming back, never mentioning her to Rose -- he loved her anyway?  Could it be that he had done those things _because_ he loved her?

Rose finished the call then looked at her and smiled.  "Mickey's on his way," she said.  "As soon as he gets here we can all head over to the park and meet up with the Doctor."

Sarah nodded.  "I'm not looking forward to that," she confessed.  "Saying goodbye, I mean."  Though at least she knew it was really goodbye this time, she thought.  And she was damn well going to make him say it, too.

"Why should it be goodbye?" asked Rose.   "Why don't you come with us, instead?"

Sarah gave a brief laugh, then realized that Rose was serious.  "I don't think the Doctor would want that," she said.  "Even if you're right and he does have feelings for me -- which I'm still not convinced of, by the way -- he's certainly made it clear enough that he doesn't want to travel with me anymore." 

Rose just shook her head in wonder.  "Don't you know anything about relationships? You're just as bad as he is, aren't you?"  Sarah stared at her, wondering what in the world she could mean.  

"I can just see the two of you when you were together," Rose went on.  "Traveling the universe and having adventures, neither of you sure what was happening between you and both of you covering up your own feelings as much as you could.  You must've either driven each other half-crazy or gotten along incredibly well."

Sarah smiled despite herself.  "I think it was a little of both," she said. "But even if the Doctor would want me along, are you sure that it would be all right with you?  I appreciate the offer, I really do, but don't you think it might get . . . awkward?"

"Maybe," Rose conceded.  "But there's not many people the Doctor lets in -- I mean _really_ lets in, you know?  And those are the people that he _needs,_ whether he realizes it or not.   So yeah, I'd like you to come.   Because you're one of the people he let in, Sarah Jane.  I know that you are."

Sarah smiled, then leaned across to take her hands.  "You're one of those people, too, Rose.  And do me a favor, all right?  Take care of him for me, for both of us.  Stay with him as long as you can."

She gave Rose's hands a squeeze, and Rose squeezed her hands back.  "I want to," she said.  "I don't ever want to leave him.  But do you think he'll break my heart?"

There was a wistful look on the young girl's face, and Sarah wished she could lie to her.  But that wouldn't be fair to any of them.  "Yes," she answered.  "But not because he means to."

Rose nodded and held on to her hands.

* * *

When Mickey showed up he returned Sarah's car keys and gave her a copy of the police report.  "They're towing your car away soon," he said.  "They told me to tell you that if you want your things out of it, you'd better go get them now."

Sarah sighed.  The Doctor hadn't even left yet and already she was back to the mundane necessities of life.  "You two should go on ahead," she said.  "I'll catch up with you when I can."   She grabbed some paper and drew a rough map to show them how to get to the park.  "Don't let the Doctor leave before I get there," she said as she handed it over.

"Not a chance," said Rose with a smile.

Mickey looked at the map, displeased.  "The park is all the way over there?  I thought it was on this side of the hotel.  It'll take us an hour to walk that far!"

"Fifty-three minutes," said Rose.  "If we walk at an average speed."   She met their shocked gazes with an embarrassed shrug.  "Krillitane oil," she explained.

"Right," said Mickey.  "Well, I suppose we'd better get going."  They headed for the door, but then Mickey turned back for a moment.  "By the way," he said to Sarah, "that gas leak suggestion worked really well.  Do you do this all the time, then?   Stop alien invasions like the Doctor does, but on your own?"

"No," Sarah said, "I don't.  I stumbled across what was going on at the school by accident.  I don't normally set out to investigate alien activities."

"Oh?" said Mickey.  "Why not?"

And Sarah just stood there and looked at him.   

"Mickey!" called Rose from the doorway.  "Are you coming or not?" 

"Coming!" said Mickey.   He hurried out after her. 

And Sarah still stood there, unmoving.  He'd asked a good question, she realized.  A very good question, in fact.

She shook herself, then began to head back to the school.  It would be a hassle dealing with her car, but she was glad that she would have some time to herself before seeing the Doctor again. 

She had a lot to think about.

 

\--------

_tbc . . ._


	7. A Life of Your Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How "School Reunion" ends, after the ending.

The traffic was terrible, the rental car was making odd rattling noises at random intervals and there were no good songs on the radio, yet Sarah didn't mind in the least.  She felt as if none of the little irritations of ordinary life could touch her, not yet.  She knew the feeling wouldn't last, would probably dissipate as soon as she arrived back home, but for now she could still be above it all, still feel the sheer thrill of having once again been part of something truly important -- world-saving, universe-saving important. 

She had been with the Doctor again.  She had gotten caught up in his exciting life.  And it had ended with her walking away from the TARDIS once more, but this time it had been her own choice;  this time she had been the one to say no.   It had broken her heart for the second time, but she knew that she had made the right decision.   She couldn't do it anymore, couldn't just follow the Doctor around as she had used to.   She couldn't recapture her youth, and it would only hurt to try.

Besides, it was Rose's turn to be with the Doctor, and she deserved to have as much of that turn as she could get.  Rose was young enough to think that her time with the Doctor would last forever, that it didn't matter if she shared some of it with Sarah.  But it wouldn't last forever, and it mattered. 

Sarah smiled as she thought over her own turn with the Doctor, her treasured memories now added to by the events of the past two days.  It was wonderful that she had gotten to see him again, and she was glad that she had finally gotten a goodbye, a true and proper goodbye.  Now she could make peace with letting him go.  Not that he was completely gone from her, not yet.  His scent was still on her clothes and her skin was still tingling from the feel of his arms around her.   Eventually both sensations would fade to memory, but for now they were still with her.   No, not just for now, because once they were in her memory she would hold onto them -- and more -- for a very long time to come.

And as for that time to come, she was looking forward to it with an excitement she hadn't felt in ages.  Finally she knew what to do with herself, what she should have been doing all this time instead of waiting around for the Doctor.  And Mickey, of all people, had given her the idea.

She was going to investigate aliens.  She would find them and talk to them, help them and learn from them.  If necessary, she would even stop them.  Save the world again.  It would be the biggest adventure of her life.

She could kick herself for wasted time, for assuming all these years that she couldn't have alien adventures without the Doctor.  Yes it was true that she couldn't leave Earth without him, or travel in time, but she didn't need to do either of those things to meet aliens.  Aliens were right here, right now, and she had known that; the Zygons, the Kraals, the Krynoid pod, Eldrad . . . all of them had been on Earth in her current time.   It was just that she hadn't ever put it all together until Mickey had pointed out the obvious to her.   She had thought she needed the Doctor, but she didn't need the Doctor to find aliens -- she had proved that years ago, that first time she had met him, and she had just proved it all over again with the Krillitanes.  She could do this.  She really, really could.  She even dared to think that she might be rather good at it.

And she wouldn't have to do it alone.  She had K-9 to help her.  When the traffic stopped again, she turned her head and looked at him.   K-9's nose was out the window, his ears were scanning back and forth and he appeared as happy as any other dog might be when out on a drive.  Even his tail was gently wagging.   Sarah smiled, then turned her attention back to the road as the car in front of her once more began to move.

She had K-9 back.  The Doctor had given her K-9. 

Again.

Sarah paused for a moment, thinking that over.  If she had doubted the significance of the gift before, she couldn't doubt it now.    K-9 was obviously not a random present or a spur-of-the-moment impulse, nor was he some sort of consolation prize for not getting to travel with the Doctor, which was what she had feared most.  No, there was definite meaning here.   There was definitely something more.

_["Give Sarah Jane Smith my fondest love; tell her I shall remember her always."]_

Had Rose been right?  Did the Doctor love her?  Was that why he had given her K-9?

Sarah mentally ran through the events of the past two days, searching for touchstones.   She thought about the way the Doctor had looked at her when he first saw her in the staffroom.  The way he had admitted that he needed to know where she was last night, and the way he had asked if she forgave him.   The way he had reacted when she had tried to go after K-9, turning back for her and literally grabbing her away from the door, forcing her to run with him.  He had held onto her so tightly, as if no power in the universe could cause him to let her go. 

Then there was the way he had said goodbye.  The way he had hugged her, lifting her up, almost crushing her with his embrace.  The way he had called her his Sarah Jane.

It was possible, Sarah realized.  It really was just possible that the Doctor loved her.  And while she could wish that he had come right out and said it, it would be hypocritical for her to complain because she hadn't exactly admitted her feelings either, had she?  Although she had come very close; closer than she'd ever come before, certainly.  She had actually said that she hadn't found anyone else to love after being with him.  Well, not actually that, because what she had said was that he had been a tough act to follow, which wasn't quite as good but still sort of close, surely?  Except no, wait, what she had in fact said was some guy she had traveled with once had been a tough act to follow.  Which wasn't that close at all.

Sarah groaned.  Rose had been right about one thing, at least.  She really was bad at this.

And yet Sarah couldn't help feeling that the Doctor had known what she had been trying to say.  She hoped that he had.  She pulled up in front of her house and turned off the engine, then looked at K-9 beside her.   Maybe she knew what the Doctor had been trying to say, too.

She got out of the car, lifted K-9 down to the ground then turned to grab her overnight bag.   When she turned back again, she saw to her surprise that K-9's ears and tail were whirring with excitement.  Before she could ask him why, he was off, whizzing up the walkway.  Then the front door of her house opened and she heard the Doctor say, "K-9!"

She dropped her bag. 

K-9 disappeared inside. 

She stood there.   A minute passed.  

The Doctor stuck his head out the door and looked at her.  "Well?" he asked.  "Are you planning to stay out there 'til dark, or are you coming in?"

She picked up her bag again and with very deliberate steps walked forward.  The Doctor took one look then started backing up before her, holding out his hands in a gesture for her to wait.  "Okay, before you say anything, I know, I know, I shouldn't be here, I've broken into your home, and you're probably upset and surprised to see me, but I'm really just here for a tick to check in and make sure you got K-9 because I just finished dropping him off, and I hope you're impressed because that was really quite clever the way I managed to do that without running into myself or you, and you're looking at me now with a very strange expression on your face and I hope you're not too mad or disappointed because I know you said you didn't want to come with me and I know you made me tell you goodbye and now here it is not goodbye already but I hope you'll forgive me because it really is very good to see you again.  Really."  He gave her a winning smile.  "Did you miss me?"

Sarah dropped her bag on the floor and closed her front door.  "Miss you?"  She looked at her watch.  "It's been an hour and a half."

"Ah."  His smile turned a little wistful.  "Not enough time to miss me, then?"

She couldn't help a small laugh. Why was he always able to make her laugh?   "You'd be surprised."  She looked him over carefully then.  He had on a different shirt and tie, but otherwise he seemed exactly the same.  "How long has it been for you?"

"Four days."

"Four days?" she repeated.  "So, not enough time for you to miss me either, I suppose."

His face broke into a grin.  "No, not enough time at all."  He caught her hand and pulled her to him.  "Didn't miss you one bit," he said as he gave her a joyous hug.

She smiled and hugged him back.  "And where are Rose and Mickey?" she asked when he released her.

He took out his sonic screwdriver, knelt down next to K-9 and began to scan him.  "Rose is visiting her mother and Mickey is on a parallel Earth fighting Cybermen."

Sarah wasn't sure what to say to that.   "Okay then," she managed finally.

The Doctor stopped scanning and looked up at her.  "Two trips," he said.  "Mickey left after only two trips.  I think that might be a record."   He paused.  "And I met Reinette Poisson," he added casually, starting up the sonic screwdriver again.

"Reinette Poisson?" said Sarah.  "You got to meet _Madame de Pompadour_?"

"Oh yes," he said.  He smiled briefly but then his expression turned melancholy.   "She was going to come with us," he said.  "Travel to the stars in the TARDIS.   There was so much I was going to show her . . . "  His eyes flicked up to Sarah's, then he dropped his gaze back to K-9.  "But I never got the chance.  There was trouble with a time window, and by the time I went back to get her, it was too late.  Her life was already over." 

"I'm sorry," said Sarah sincerely.  

The Doctor nodded, then abstractly he reached out to scratch K-9 between his metal ears.  "I don't seem to be having the best of luck with companions lately," he said.  "But at least it took a few years for you to decide you didn't want to travel with me anymore."

She had thought her heart couldn't break more than it already had, but she'd been wrong.  She knelt down next to him and covered his hand with her own.  "I never said it was because I didn't want to," she told him softly.

Their eyes met, then the Doctor gave a small nod.   Suddenly he bounced up and started wandering around the room.  "So, this is where you live now.  I hope you don't mind, I sort of made myself at home while I was waiting for you, took a self-guided tour, and I have to say I like it."  He turned in a circle, looking all around.   "Yes, it's quite good, really."   He flashed her a smile, then he began to move again, passing by a hat and coat that were hung up by a hook on the wall.   He stopped and took down the hat, a straw thing with a large brim and a blue ribbon around the middle.  He fingered it gently.

"I remember this hat," he said.  "Didn't it used to have a green ribbon, though?" 

Her breath caught and her eyes opened wide.  He gave her a puzzled look, frowning slightly. "What?" he asked.  "Am I right?  It used to be green?"

She continued to stare at him.  Then she nodded slowly, once.

"Good," he said quickly, "good."  Hesitantly, he put the hat back on its hook then turned to face her.   She kept her gaze on him.  "What?" he asked again.  "Is it that surprising that I remember?"

'Yes," she answered succinctly.

"And why's that?" he asked, confused.

"Because I remember when I got that hat," she said, "and it was _after_ you left me in Aberdeen."

He froze, and a guilty look came over his face.   "Oh," he said.

"Oh," she repeated back at him, her arms crossing over her chest.

"Okay," he said.  "I can see how this might be hard to explain . . . "

"Explain away," said Sarah.  "I'd love to hear it."

"Yes," he said, tugging at one of his ears.  "Yes, um . . . yes.  Explain, right.  Well, you see, some events may seem linear in their cause and effect, but as Eddington said when he spoke about time's arrow, you need to take into account the irreversibility of entropy, which . . ."

She interrupted him.  "How many times, Doctor?"

He looked at her nervously.  "How many times what?"

"How many times have you run into me without telling me who you were?" 

"Um," he said, "the entropy . . . "

_"How many times?"_

She advanced on him and he backed up hastily until he was against the wall with nowhere else to go.   "Five," he gasped out as she continued to approach.  "Five times."

She stopped and stood directly in front of him.    He looked embarrassed, nervous and slightly apologetic.   That was something, at least.

"Are you angry?" he asked, sounding as if he hoped for the chance that she might not be.

"Am I _angry?_ " she replied.   "I could _throttle_ you!"  She paused.  "Except I've already seen an Egyptian mummy try that once, and I know it wouldn't work."  She couldn't help a very small and reluctant smile.

He cautiously smiled back, his eyes full of memory.  "Respiratory bypass system," he murmured.  "Useful in a tight squeeze."

Abruptly she turned away from him and went to the living room, collapsing into a chair.   He followed, looking worried.   "Sarah?" he asked.   

She glanced at him, then buried her face in her hands.   "What am I supposed to do with you, Doctor?" 

"I don't know?"  She felt him kneeling down next to her.  "Sarah . . .?"

She raised her head again and looked at him.  "Five times?  _Five_?   What do you do, pretend to be a string of different people?  Do you just keep coming in and out of my life at random intervals?  Have you been living next door to me for years?"

"No, Sarah, no!  Of course not," he protested.

"Will you tell me who you were, then?  Will you at least tell me that?'"

"You wouldn't remember," he said gently.   "They were all brief encounters a very long time ago.  A chat with a stranger about the weather, that sort of thing.  Sometimes we saw each other but didn't speak.  And sometimes I just watched you from afar."

She thought that over.  It made her feel a little better, but it still felt like she'd been stalked.  Perhaps because she had been stalked.  "A very long time ago?  How long ago?"

He gave her a rueful smile.  "Well, I could hardly come to see you after you got K-9, could I?  He'd have given me away."

Her eyes widened in realization.  "Is that why you waited two years to give him to me?  You were leaving yourself a window?"

"Yes," he admitted. "And then I played a game with myself.  I left him in a crate for you to pick up later so I couldn't be sure exactly when you'd get him."   He paused, and his eyes grew unfocused.  "So really there were three windows.  One where you wouldn't know, one where you would, and one where there was a chance either way."

She looked at him.  "And did you ever take that chance, Doctor?"

He turned his attention back to her, meeting her gaze.  "No," he said softly.

She bit her lip and looked away.   He'd visited her, but he hadn't come back for her.  "Five times," she whispered, taking it in.  And he'd done it on purpose.  He'd actually _planned_ for it.  Five times.  Why did that number seem significant?  There was something else about five, or a number close to five, somehow connected with him . . . and then it came to her.

"Once per regeneration," she said.  "You've been visiting me once per regeneration over a two-year period in my life."

"Yes," he confirmed, and she saw that he was unsurprised that she had figured it out.  Suddenly, he grinned.  "And then I run into you completely by accident at a school and it's brilliant, and you're brilliant, and Sarah," he said, taking her hands, "my clever, wonderful, amazing Sarah Jane Smith who just helped me save the world, tell me you're not mad at me, or if you are mad at me tell me what I need to do to get you to forgive me, because I really don't want to have you upset with me again.  Not you.  Not my best friend." 

She felt her hands being held in his, then lifted her head to meet his eyes.   "Am I still your best friend?" she asked.

"Of course you are," he said, seeming surprised that she would even ask.  "That doesn't change; it won't ever change.  You always were, and you always are, and you always will be."  He gave her hands a squeeze.  "Can't help it," he added.  "That's what you get for being friends with a Time Lord."

She gave a small laugh.   "Serves me right then, I suppose," she said, and saw hope start to dawn on his face.    She regarded him thoughtfully.   She was tempted to ask if Rose was his best friend too, and make him define exactly what he meant by "best" -- but no.   The Doctor wasn't human, and it wouldn't be fair to trap him that way, or fault him for not abiding by human conventions.  She had his answer about herself, and that was enough.   Just because the Doctor's feelings weren't human didn't mean they weren't real.

"I forgive you," she said, and was startled herself by the extent to which she meant it.  She really did forgive him, not just for this but for all of it -- for thirty years of hurt and heartache.  It had all been washed away by the events of the past two days, and by the look in his eyes right now. 

His hopeful expression changed into his now familiar broad grin.  "That's my Sarah Jane," he said.  He rose, still holding onto her hands, and pulled her up out of the chair.   "Thank you," he said, his eyes still staring into hers.  "Thank you, Sarah." 

She smiled back at him, wondering how this incredible alien being, this ancient Time Lord with so much knowledge and power, could be looking at her like this -- as if she were the most wonderful thing he'd ever come across.   And then it occurred to her that she was probably looking at him the same way.

"Come on," he said suddenly, tugging at her hands.  "I've got something for you."

She followed him into her kitchen, then stopped dead in astonishment.  "What on Earth?" she said as she saw the pieces of strange hardware, bits of wire and alien-looking screws strewn all over her kitchen table.

"I arrived here a little early," he explained, pulling on a hand to tug her farther into the room.   "Decided to make a few things."  He handed her a cylindrical object that looked like a lipstick.  "This is for you."

"What is it?" she asked, examining it curiously.

"Try it," he said, smiling with encouragement.

She took off the cap, twisted the base and saw a red-colored tip rise up.  After a quick glance at him to make sure she wasn't about to explode anything, she gave the device a tentative squeeze.  There was an electronic humming noise, then her kitchen door swung closed.

"It's a sonic screwdriver!" she exclaimed.  She laughed happily, examining it and twisting the base back and forth.  "But why does it look like a lipstick?"

"Because it's a lipstick," he said.

"What?"  Surely she had misheard.

"It's not a sonic screwdriver.  It's a sonic lipstick," he explained.

"A sonic lipstick?  A _lipstick_?"

"Well, it's the only thing I could find that you owned that was the right size and shape to convert," he said a little defensively.  "And it works just like a sonic screwdriver, really."

"A sonic lipstick.  You made a sonic screwdriver out of a lipstick," repeated Sarah, still staring at it incredulously.   

"And there's this," said the Doctor with another smile, picking up an old watch that she had set aside to get repaired.

She took it from him and looked at it closely, trying to figure out what he'd done to it.  "Why is it beeping?" she asked.

"It detects aliens."  He showed her how to flip up a small screen and she gasped in amazement.  Sure enough, the watch was registering the Doctor's presence. 

"It's incredible," said Sarah as she watched the data scroll down.  Then she burst out laughing.

"What?" he asked.  "What is it?"  He craned his neck to try to look at the screen, but she flipped it back down again.

"You should be careful what you give me, Doctor, if you want to lie about your age," she said with a grin. 

She could swear that he blushed.

"Thank you," she said then, looking over her two gifts.  They were exactly what she needed for her future investigations.  "Thank you so much."

"Well, if you're going to break into schools and go after Krillitanes, I figured I'd better make sure you have the right tools to help.  I know you have K-9 to look after you, but you never know what you'll come across out there."    He cocked his head at her.  "Promise me you'll be careful?"

She smiled at him.  "Only if you promise me that you'll be careful, too."

He smiled back.  "We'll both be careful."  

"Good."  She pushed him towards the table.  "Now if you'll clean up this mess that you've made of my kitchen, I'll make us some tea.  I know you better than to expect that you've written out instruction manuals, but I'm not letting you leave here until you've at least sat down and shown me the basics."

* * *

The Doctor went through the various buttons and controls on both devices while Sarah took careful notes in her journalist's shorthand.  Afterwards their conversation kept going until they ended up talking for hours, laughing and joking and then reminiscing about the adventures they'd shared.   Finally, long past the time when Sarah would normally have gone to bed, they sat and looked at each other across the table, both knowing the visit was almost over but neither willing to acknowledge it yet.

"So," said Sarah teasingly, "have you ever taken Rose to Florana?"

"Oh, don't start with that again," said the Doctor in a put-upon tone.  "It's hardly my fault that we never got there."

"Personally, I think you were making the planet up."

"There's one way to find out," he dared, a wicked challenge in his eyes.

She smiled, but shook her head.  "Sorry, Doctor."

He sighed, then gave her a grudging smile back.  "Well, it was worth a try."

As she watched him help himself to another chocolate biscuit, she thought about everything that had happened since she had found the TARDIS last night -- was it only last night?   It felt like a lifetime ago.   She was pretty sure she understood now why he had never come back for her, and while she wouldn't say that his coping mechanisms made any sense, at least she now knew them for what they were.    And she knew about K-9, and she was willing to believe that Rose had been right about why he had never mentioned her.  But there was one question still left unanswered.

She hesitated, then leaned forward in her chair.  "Doctor, I have something to ask you."

"No!" he gasped, a pretend look of shock on his face.  "You have a question?  You?"

"Bully," she laughed, giving him a small punch on the arm.  "I'm trying to be serious."

"All right," he said, moving his arm protectively further away.  "What is it?"

"Last night," she began, "when you and Rose were leaving the cafe, I overheard some of what you were saying.  Not a lot," she hastened to reassure him, "but the one thing I did hear was you telling Rose that you wouldn't leave her behind the way you left me.  And before you say anything," she went on as she saw the pained look on his face, "I want you to know it's all right.   It really is," she said, and she meant it.  "And I don't want to put you on the spot, but I was wondering why.  Why me, but not her?  Is that something you can tell me?"

"Oh, Sarah," he said.  He leaned back and gave a heavy sigh.  "When I met you, you were a journalist.  I mean you still are, of course, but the point is, you were one then, too.  You had your life, and it was all there for you.  And I took you away from it."

"But Doctor, you didn't," she protested.  "You didn't take me away; at least, not from anything I wasn't willing to be taken away from."

"You say that," he said, "but I always knew that your time with me was temporary.  I knew that your own life was waiting for you, and that I would have to return you to it one day.   So when I had to go home and I couldn't take you with me, it just seemed that the time had come.  That I should make a clean break.  Well, as clean of a break as I could," he said, with a quirk of a smile to acknowledge his surreptitious visits.   "But with Rose, it's different.  She didn't give up anything to come with me; she has nothing to go back to."  He paused, then said quietly, "With her, I don't have to be as afraid of getting no for an answer."

"Did you really think I would say no?" asked Sarah, leaning across the table to take his hand.

The Doctor looked up, and she flinched at the pain in his eyes.  "The answer's always no," he said.  "Everyone always leaves, in the end.  The only question is how long it will take, and what that end will look like.  But sooner or later, no matter what, the answer will always be no." He looked down at the table, at where she was holding his hand.  "Even with Rose," he added.   "She'll leave me too, eventually.  She says she won't, but she will.  She won't have any choice."

Sarah gripped his hand tightly, willing him to look up at her.  When he finally did, she held his gaze and said, "Hang on to her, then, for as long as you can.  Be willing to take a chance."  She smiled, to take the sting out of the words.  "And do something else for me, okay?  When that end finally comes, when she's gone . . . don't carry the burden alone.  Talk about it; talk about her.  And don't be afraid to say goodbye."

The Doctor stared at her, then slowly a smile came over his face.  "When did you get so wise, Sarah Jane?"

"I've always been this wise," she replied.  "You were just too busy being a genius to notice."

He laughed, and she laughed with him, and although they both knew their own end was coming, they were able to put it off, just for the moment.

* * *

Earlier this day, he had walked her out of the TARDIS; now, she was walking him to it.  She stood in front of the familiar blue box, and the light streaming from its windows seemed to beckon her, tempting her with the promise of a thousand different worlds.   But she still knew that her decision had been the right one, and for now, at least, this world that she stood on -- the world of her birth -- was the place for her to be.   The Earth held adventure enough.

The Doctor unlocked the TARDIS door, then gazed down at the key in his hand.  "Rose told me," he said, turning to face her, "that you thought I didn't want you in the TARDIS anymore.   And I'm sorry that you thought that, and I've been thinking about how to make it up to you -- and I've decided there's only one way."  Then he took the key and pressed it into her hand.  "Here," he said.  "So you never have to doubt again."

She looked at it, fingering the familiar triangular shape.  "But there's only ever been the one TARDIS key," she said.  "It's not something you make copies of."

"Actually," he said with an embarrassed cough, "that's not strictly true.  It's not something I _used_ to make copies of.   Back then I didn't like the idea of other people having their own keys, even people I trusted completely, like you."  He smiled.  "But I've mellowed in my old age, and I do make copies now, and I really want you to have one.   I've changed the design," he said, holding up another, very ordinary-looking key, "but I thought you might want the older version for old times' sake.  As you can see, it still works."  And he pushed on the open door.

"Doctor, I  . . . I don't know what to say.  Thank you."  She took the chain and hung it around her neck.  She felt at the key where it lay, and wondered if she was just imagining that it was directly over her heart. 

There was a pause, then the Doctor said, "You're not going to make me say it again, are you?"

"No," she laughed.  "No, Doctor, you don't have to say it." 

He took her hands, and she looked into his eyes.  They stood there like that for a minute, just looking at each other, then quietly she added, "There's no need for you to say it."

He smiled.  And then he kissed her.

And they had never done this, never; they'd never even come close.  But she found to her surprise that it was the most natural thing in the world.

When it was over, she looked at him, unsure of how to respond.  Softly, he said, "There's no need for you to say it, either."

She smiled and squeezed his hands. "Best friends?"

He laughed.  "Always," he whispered.  "Always, Sarah Jane."

She nodded, and squeezed his hands once more -- and then she let him go.  He turned and entered the TARDIS, and she heard the familiar sound of its dematerialization.

This time, she watched him leave. 


End file.
